How to Navigate Separation Without Hurting Our Children?
- ruthsk
- Mar 20
- 6 min read
As a family mediator in London, I work with parents during one of the most vulnerable times in their lives. There is a great deal of fear surrounding change and what it will mean practically and emotionally for their children. Parents seek stability, reassurance, and a way forward that does not inflame what is already painful.
Family mediation is not a perfect solution. However, for many families, especially those with young children, it is the most protective and family-centric route available.
And importantly, research increasingly supports that view.
By Ruth Schocken Katz, family and divorce mediator based at Camden Therapy in NW London.
Understanding the Family Court Process in 2026
Before we explore why mediation works, it helps to understand the alternative.
According to the Ministry of Justice’s most recent Family Court Statistics (July–September 2025), private law children’s cases in England and Wales take an average of 36 weeks to reach a final order.
That is more than eight months.
For a child, eight months is not just a statistic. It is:
Two school terms
One birthday
Christmas, Eid, Passover, or Diwali
An entire academic year nearly gone
The National Audit Office has warned that delays in family courts can have “profound impacts on children’s lives,” and that prolonged proceedings increase uncertainty and stress.
Court proceedings are often adversarial by design. Statements are drafted, and positions are defended. Each parent is advised to strengthen their case against the other.
The Family Procedure Rules were amended in 2024 to place even greater emphasis on Non-Court Dispute Resolution (NCDR). Courts are now required to actively consider whether disputes could and should be resolved outside litigation.
The direction is clear: Court is a safeguard, but it is not the ideal starting point for families where children are involved.
The Evidence Supporting Mediation Outcomes
Family mediation is not a soft or interim option. It is structured, regulated, and increasingly evidenced.
The Ministry of Justice’s evaluation of the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme found that 69% of families who used mediation reached agreement on some or all issues. This is classified as a successful diversion from court.
The Family Mediation Council consistently reports that over 70% of cases that proceed beyond the MIAM reach full or partial agreement.
“Mediation continues to demonstrate high levels of successful agreement where both parties engage in the process.” — Family Mediation Council Annual Data Report
These figures tell us something important: When parents are given time, structure, and neutral support, most can make workable decisions for their children.
Understanding the Impact of Conflict on Children
One of the most misunderstood aspects of separation is this: It is not separation itself that most harms children. It is chronic, unresolved parental conflict.
Long-running UK research, including studies cited by the Nuffield Family Justice Observatory and Cafcass, consistently shows that children exposed to ongoing high conflict are at greater risk of:
Anxiety and depression
Behavioural difficulties
Academic disruption
Relationship difficulties later in life
Professor Eirini Flouri’s work on inter-parental conflict highlights that children’s wellbeing is most affected where conflict is frequent, intense, and poorly resolved. She states: “Children’s adjustment difficulties are more strongly associated with the level of conflict they are exposed to than with family structure itself.”
In other words, how parents separate matters more than whether they separate. Mediation does not remove pain, but it reduces the level and duration of conflict children are exposed to.
What “Child-Centred” Means in Practice
“Child-centred mediation” is not just a slogan. It is a discipline.
In sessions, we do not simply divide parental time. We ask:
What is developmentally appropriate for a six-year-old?
How will transitions feel for a teenager?
What routines provide security?
What happens when one parent travels for work?
I often ask parents: “If your child were sitting here, what would they say they need most right now?”
That question shifts something.
We move from positional language — “I want 50/50.” or “To be fair, I should have…”
To reflective language — “They need predictability.” or “They struggle with sudden changes.”
Child-centred mediation keeps the focus of discussions viewed through that lens.
Child-Inclusive Mediation: Giving Children a Voice
In appropriate cases, and if they choose to, children can be part of the mediation process.
Child-Inclusive Mediation (CIM) allows children, usually aged ten or above, depending on maturity, to meet privately with a specially trained mediator for a confidential chat.
They are not asked to choose between parents. They are not burdened with decision-making.
They are offered a voice.
If they permit, themes from the conversation are fed back to parents.
Research by Dr Marian Roberts and subsequent UK evaluations of child-inclusive mediation have found that:
Children report feeling relieved to be heard.
Parents are more likely to reach agreements when the voice of the child is heard.
Agreements are more sustainable over time.
“Children value being listened to and having their perspectives taken seriously, even when they do not wish to make decisions themselves.” The Family Mediation Council’s Code of Practice expects mediators to consider whether children aged 10+ should be offered the opportunity to have their voices heard unless inappropriate.
When done properly, this process often reduces children’s anxiety. They no longer feel invisible or responsible. They feel acknowledged and empowered.
The Financial and Emotional Cost of Litigation
Financially, the contrast is stark.
The National Family Mediation service estimates that mediation costs are typically a fraction of the average contested court case, which can run into tens of thousands of pounds per person.
In contrast, most mediation cases conclude within:
Two to five sessions
A few weeks or months
The government’s Family Mediation Voucher Scheme, extended to March 2026 (with future funding under review), provides up to £500 per case towards child-related mediation.
But cost is not just financial.
Court brings:
Cross-examination
Waiting
Escalation
The unpredictability of judicial outcomes
Mediation allows parents to remain decision-makers.
Court hands those decisions to a judge who may know your family only through paperwork.
What About High Conflict Cases?
It is a misconception that mediation only works for amicable couples.
Where there are safeguarding risks, mediation may not be appropriate. Suitability is always carefully assessed by your mediator at the MIAM stage and continuously throughout the mediation process.
High emotion alone does not disqualify mediation; it’s what mediators are trained for.
The Long-Term Picture for Families
The court can decide where a child lives, but it cannot tell parents how to co-parent for the next decade.
Mediation supports:
Clear communication
Shared understanding
Reduced return to litigation
Research suggests mediated agreements are more likely to be complied with because they are self-determined.
Children benefit from predictability.
And predictability comes from parents who can communicate, even if only practically.
Why Mediation Works for Families
Separation is painful, and there is no process that removes that entirely. However, there is a difference between necessary pain and avoidable harm.
Family mediation diffuses anger and blame. It reduces the temperature. It protects children from becoming collateral damage in adult disputes.
The courts encourage it. The data supports it. Children benefit from it.
If you are considering your next step, attending a MIAM is not a commitment to mediate. It is simply a chance to understand your options calmly and fully, which could be the most important first step of all.
If you would like to know more, 15-minute introductory call - for more information please get in touch.
Ruth's therapy room at 152 Camden High St is a safe space for family mediation in Camden, North London.
More Insights into Divorce and Family Mediation:
Article References
Ministry of Justice, Family Court Statistics Quarterly: July to September 2025 https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/family-court-statistics-quarterly-july-to-september-2025
National Audit Office, Improving Family Court Services for Children (2023) https://www.nao.org.uk/reports/improving-family-court-services-for-children/
Family Procedure Rules 2010 (as amended 2024), Part 3 – Non-Court Dispute Resolution https://www.justice.gov.uk/courts/procedure-rules/family/parts/part_03
Ministry of Justice, Family Mediation Voucher Scheme – Evaluation and Data Release https://www.gov.uk/guidance/family-mediation-voucher-scheme
Family Mediation Council, Annual Data Report 2024–2025 https://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/
Nuffield Family Justice Observatory, Private Law Children’s Cases: Conflict and Outcomes https://www.nuffieldfjo.org.uk/resource/separating-families-experiences-of-separation-and-support
Flouri, E., Midouhas, E. & Joshi, H., The role of inter-parental conflict in children’s emotional wellbeing (Millennium Cohort Study findings) https://discovery.ucl.ac.uk/id/eprint/1543482/
Roberts, M., Child-Inclusive Mediation: Research Findings and Practice Insights (See Family Mediation Council research archive and UK mediation studies) https://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/
Family Mediation Council, Code of Practice (2025 edition) https://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/
10. Ministry of Justice, Family Mediation Voucher Scheme Statistical Data Release https://www.gov.uk/guidance/family-mediation-voucher-scheme
11. Emery, R.E., Mediation and Child Custody Outcomes: Research Evidence (Summary available via American Psychological Association and academic repositories) https://www.apa.org/pubs/books/4317082